| Hmmmmmm..... |
[17 Feb 2007|07:50pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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Feist - Mushaboom (Postal Service Remix) |
] |
I think it's funny that when I had everything that I thought I could want, I thought about all the little things I missed.
My life has gone completely upside down.
I thought that getting rid of the things that hurt would make my life better. And now I think I miss those big things more than anything else.
I miss my Home (No matter how broken it seemed)
I miss my Family (Even with the fact that they seem to blame me for a lot of things)
I miss my Friends most of all (Cause they helped take the sting out of life)
I do have a great man in my life though that I'm more than happy to call my husband. But I just wish everything would repair itself and be cohesive once again.
Life just seems to have lost a bit a fun.
I miss the garage.
I miss Rage.
I miss The Route.
But most of all....
I miss Amber & Nina & the trio we used to be.
Sunrise....Sunset
I hate the way life in all of its omnipotence pulls people apart.
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| I got fuckin married!!! |
[04 Feb 2007|02:58am] |
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mood |
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 excited |
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music |
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none |
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Dude, I can't believe it's actually happened but it has. We got our partnership papers notarized the day before yesterday and all we have to do is wait for our certificate of partnership to arrive in the mail from the state. Its all so exciting.
Well I have to go now.
I'll post again soon, I promise.
//~Ryan
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| The Past Month. |
[28 Dec 2006|08:12pm] |
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mood |
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 content |
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music |
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none |
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I made some definite leaps and bounds this month.
I finished my last semester at VC and I'm getting ready for the next and last one.
I'm slowly but surely moving into chad's house more and more.
I got engaged and Chad and I are going to get married this coming year.
He bought me the most beautiful ring I think I've ever owned. (it'll hopefully show up in the mail sometime soon.
I've lost a bunch of stuff in the past couple months, but I think for everything I've lost, I've gained back more to cover my losses.
Only 10 months. I wonder if that's enough time to graduate, plan a wedding, and move out all at the same time?
I had the best Christmas I think I've ever had in several years now because of Chad. Even though it was a hectic and I was driving back and forth between my house and his, it was awesome.
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| There was no Blood. Just Tears. |
[03 Dec 2006|12:28pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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Because I dropped the knife.
Im lost in the forest of my mind, and I cant see the sky for all the trees that surround me.
The directions that are fading from my skin are useless when Ive forgotten how to fly. What was it I used to do to reach the stars.
For now in this forest I cant see the stars and the path that was once lit is now dark. and I dont know which way to travel. Should I go back and face what made me run to this place to begin with. Or should I press on and see what the unknown holds. But the unknown is far frieghtning than anything I could dream up. Im frozen in fear, If only I could remember what made me fly... Then I could just go up and out and see everything for what it really is.
I'm alone... and It's cold.
If only I could get back to Neverland.
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| Halloween |
[31 Oct 2006|11:09am] |
This is going to be an interesting halloween.
not in a good way.... but in an intersting way.
I can only hope i dont kill someone tonight.
Fuck y'all,
Ryan
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| Damn Skippy |
[14 Oct 2006|06:38am] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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music |
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none |
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Holy fuck me in the butthole batman I love my weekends.
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| God damn, god damn, I say god damn.... |
[24 Sep 2006|07:37am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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None |
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My life sure has gotten crazy and I just realized how much I dont use livejournal for what I intended it for. I had meant for it to be a daily record of everything that happens in my life. But for the life of me most of the time either my life is too mundane to be worth reading or far too hectic to get a spare chance to update. Anymore I just seem to come here to read others journals and send out a few comments here and there, nothin special really. But I think that all this needs to change considering the crazy home, and school life I have and the kick ass friends I share a lot of my time with.
Im not gonna update about everyone individually yet, Ill do that at a later time.
Amber
Nina
Chad
Skeeter
Bates
Kimmy
And a few others for whom I do feel like looking over right now.... mostly cause im tired.
Have a good day, if you need to get a hold of me try my mobile number. Im going to be ou of the house from 10 this morning and at the college working on the plays from 12 to 3 or perhaps 4 who knows at this point. Im the chief makeup artist and for fucks sake I dont even know.
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[05 Sep 2006|02:36pm] |
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mood |
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 lazy |
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music |
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Esthero - If Tha Mood |
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So Ive had a very interesting day.
woke up at 6
drove to school at 730
sat in the makeup rooms from 8 to 9 and did my makeup
went to interior design from 9 to 1030
sat around some more
got some copies made
organized my crap
went to see my counselor for my normal fin aid shit
and found out...
THAT IM FUCKING GRADUATING NEXT SEMESTER BITCHES HAHAHAHA!!!!
FUCK YEAH!!!!
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[22 Aug 2006|12:15pm] |
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my classes are going to be very interesting this semester.
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| theifted from labile |
[11 Apr 2006|11:18pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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Go to Wikipedia and look up your birth day (excluding the year). List one death, two births, three neat facts and an event in your journal, including the year.
July 16th
Deaths:
1324 - Emperor Go-Uda of Japan
Births:
1907 - Orville Redenbacher, American farmer and businessman
1963 - Fatboy Slim, English musician
Nifty Facts:
1945 - Manhattan Project: The Atomic Age begins when the United States successfully detonates a plutonium-based test nuclear weapon at the Trinity site near Alamogordo, New Mexico.
1969 - Apollo program: Apollo 11 launches from Cape Kennedy, Florida and will become the first manned space mission to land on the moon.
2004 - Millennium Park, considered the first and most ambitious architectural project in the early 21st century for Chicago, Illinois, is opened to the public by Mayor of Chicago Richard M. Daley.
Events:
Catholic - Feast of Our Lady of Mount Carmel
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| Agnus, just let the children play... |
[15 Feb 2006|04:39pm] |
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mood |
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 ambivilant |
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music |
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tapping on the keys writing this journal |
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and play they did all night long thanks to me. hahaha Happy Valentine's Day Amber, You know what im talking about, hehehe.
I had probably the best Valentine's Ive ever had. Instead of sitting alone in my room eating a gallon of ice cream and watching old movies about love and such I was actually out doing the things I thought were only in movies. It was delicious, I soaked in every minute of it.
After he left me and amber went over to cynthia's and chatted and whatnot and them amber got some with help from me, hahaha. and my and cynthia stayed downstairs and talked and fell asleep.
Woke up this morning at 8 scrammled to my house got my books changed clothes and headed to class getting there ontime surprisingly. class was alright, we just did some excersices in acting and read our stories in appreciation and did group shit in sociology.
came home, drove the 1 with amber listening to music, came home. went to the cross and took pictures for cynthia's scrapbook and then I came home. all in all an eventful day.
I have to say that it was really nice not waking up at home being yelled and screamed at to get up by my mother.
But I totally got reamed when I got home. My mom totally bitched me out for being out late and all the shit that apprently ive done and how my life has gone down hill and that im a fuck up and that shes totally disappointed in my actions.
so goes the day in the life of ryan. that one bitch out probably wont be the last tonight. itll be just the first of many and then more will come. its usually around 8 a day now....but whatever I guess I just have to let it roll of my back, if that is possible.
if if.
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| this one hit the nail on the head |
[13 Feb 2006|02:44am] |
Exotic Boy
You scored 45% masculine, 35% athletic, 72% exotic, and 62% refined! | | You are not into huge muscles and tough guy looks. You like the mysterious, exotic type that you could still bring home to mama since he takes good care of himself. You may want to try munching on someone like.......Michael Copon. But let's face it, the whole point of this was to look at a bunch of hot guys. If you liked what you saw, please rate my test! |  |
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: | You scored higher than 27% on masculine | | You scored higher than 1% on athletic | | You scored higher than 95% on exotic | | You scored higher than 87% on refined |
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| These words come from a heart that cant express the love it overflows with. |
[09 Feb 2006|10:49am] |
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mood |
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As low as you could feel. |
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music |
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DC4C - I Will Follow You Into The Dark |
] |
Last night, I was probably the lowest I had ever felt. I met a boy, we shared a few beautiful hours together, I take him home and just like that he crushes another one of my hopes for a second chance. And last night, for the first possible time in a couple years I once again considered doing something I had once tried. I wanted too, I had the money in my wallet. In someway it was more tempting in that way to consider it. Because I could go out and get it and then not have to worry about the bills the next day because it would be over and done with.
Because yesterday it occurred to me while my parents were berating me. Telling me how much of a fuck I am with my own health, school, relationships and just life in general. That I get this from a lot of people I know. Making me ponder more if the majority of the people I know in life even really want me around. And if I was such a fuck up, then I could in theory fuck up one last time and then no one would have to give a worry or care to the fact that I was gone.
Because simply put, the simplest thing is more often than not the most selfish. Yet for a time it seemed like the right thing to do. Because if it was true, then no one would care to begin with. Granted there are only a couple of people that would miss my presence, but life would continue like an undaunted river its always been. But I truely did take the works from spcok himself when I thought about it. The needs of the many outwiegh the needs of the few or the one. Because it's honestly not that hard to remove your own life from existence. The memories will stay, but the body will leave like the sun fleeting behind the horizon.
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
By chance my ex Aaron texted me. A simple question spawned a deep conversation. In this conversation contained his emotions, the ones I never thought I'd see again. But they were there, connecting him and I like two stars of a constellation in the night sky, so close yet so far away from each other. he told me "please don't" and like a soldier from a far away war, He had captured me, and I surrendered putting down my gun and letting emotion wash over me like a wave.
He said he never understood where my beautiful words came from. He said I made the act seem so angelic. I dont know if he will ever understand the words I use. No one ever gets into 'love' thinking it will be so hard. But after the slips and falls & scraps and scars left behind do we find out that it's harder than it looks. But we still try. Yet not all of us get the chance to try again.
I still really wouldnt consider it anymore. I guess its because im still holding onto the hope that maybe one day we could go back and fix what was broken. And even though it wouldnt be perfect it would be ours.
Apparently god is his infinite wisdom gave me the capability to love, But never intended me to use it.
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
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[02 Feb 2006|03:28pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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music |
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Ladytron - Seventeen |
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okay so I needed something else to do while I was bleaching my hair and texting and doing absolutely nothing on myspace all day since i got out of spanish. Thanks to Santi I have found that total nothing thing that I can do.
To pass the time:
Everyone has their firsts...
First real best friend: Amber
First school: Mayall Elementary
First Cell phone: Nextel Prepaid
First pet: Turtle The Cat
First piercing: Lip
First flight: To Illinois
First celebrity love: none.
First time out of the country: When I went to Tecate Mexico it sucked
First job: Rhino Graphics
First MySpace friend: Fuck if I know.
And the last...
Last person you hugged? Angelo last night.
Last song you heard: They only want you when your seventeen, when your 21 your no fun
Last car ride: To school and back this morning
Last time you cried: a couple of nights ago
Last movie you watched: Nanny Mcphee (surprising good)
Last person of the opposite sex that you talked to: Amber
Last item bought: Cigarettes
Last shirt worn: Illinois the 's' is silent stupid
Last phone call: cynthia
Last text message: micheal
Last thing you touched: the mouse
Last time at the mall: about a week and a half ago
Last time u were excited about something: a very long time ago about god knows what
Last person u saw: my sister roaming around the house pretending to be sick stranding me at home for the day
Last thing you drank: diet dr pepper
Last time you were really honestly completely happY: a long time ago, although last night was a wierd random giddy depression kinda thing.
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[11 Jan 2006|01:39pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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You're So Vain - Carly Simon |
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I guess there are no promises on second chances.
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[07 Jan 2006|01:49am] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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Scissors Sisters - It Cant Come Quickly Enough |
] |
blah. thats how i feel, those who knowsm eknow i say this alot its not just a word its a state of a being and right now i feel very blah, blah as in depressing blah. like i want something more but cant have it blah.
Ive wanted it back for awhile now and I guess it just wont ever happen. Yet Im willing to wait for it. Im not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing but I want to wait and have a chance.
I guess im hoping for a miracle, wishing on stars and praying they come true. The sad thing is I have no proof that anyone is listening and I feel like my clock has just about struck midnight.
"I'm not addicted to drugs, Im addicted to glamour."
I dont want the glmaour to die, but I want so much more.
Cinderella's glass slipper shattered. She has no hope of finding true love now.
Hopefully she can piece it together before time runs out.
Unfortunately there isnt enough fairy dust in the world that can make me feel happy right now....
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[05 Jan 2006|03:57am] |
You are James St. James. You and Michael were best
friends until he went to jail. You were one of
the original Club Kids and helped plan out all
the wild, drugged-out parties that you two
threw. You were the brains of the whole
operation. You knew your stuff and were proud
of it.
Which one of Michael Alig's Club Kids are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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[30 Dec 2005|03:51pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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music |
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Felix Da Housecat w/ MC and SG - Money,Success,Fame,Glamour |
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Last night rocked. Tigerheat was Ila's official birthday and it was awesome. losts of dancing and smoking and all that shit that's fun I saw a hundred people I hadnt seen in fucking forever that part was kinda meh, but I met some new people from oxnard and the valle y and they seem pretty cool. I also got to meet Angel Melendez from Party Monster. Well his ghost..... it was fucking amazing Ill post pictures of him later.
Well I gotta go, Ill post more later.
Oh and I also resolve to starting hustling myself on the street corner to pay my bills and I resolve to pass all my classes..... hopefully.
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| shit happens. |
[24 Nov 2005|04:35pm] |
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mood |
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 bloated |
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music |
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Fall Out Boy - Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner |
] |
last night was another interesting night.
I never meant it to happen like it did. I wanted us to chill and have a good time. yeah he had a bitch fit but he had four friends drive out of the way so he could see me last night. I know a lot of shit has gone down this year between us. it's just the way it's all happened. Ive never meant any of it to go this way believe me.
Last night was another kicker that didnt go as planned. i ended up driving around L.A. until 3 in the morning and get home at 4. it wasnt the way i had planned the night, again shit happens and people get shifty change their minds and decide to drive hours out of the way to do something, drop someone off and be selfish.
Last night I was neglectful. I spent the night driving around when I would have rather been having fun with you, trust me. It would have been a grand time that we would have gotten to spend together. even though I probably wouldnt have remembered it the next day. But trust me, there will be tons of other times that we'll get to hang out and get fucked up together.
I dont know how you want to continue things, it's completely up to you, im sure your fed up with me by now. I dont know if you intended me to see the post you left on myspace or not because I know you took it down later on, but I did read it before I left for the night and I was really down after that. If you want to end it, it's your prerogative.
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